Telling Secrets

Several weeks ago, I called my mentor and Big Brother Jim Kimbriel in anguish. Almost everyone was telling me that we needed to forgo the Philippines because of the ministry work that Angela and I were doing here - that we were needed here more than anywhere else. I had a very difficult time buying that when I knew that people in the Philippines were living in squalor and dying - that the skills that Angela and I both have were greatly needed. Sure, people here live in poverty too, but the difference in my mind was the great gulf between relative poverty and absolute poverty. Jim has known me since my college days and he has known us as a couple from its inception. He instilled in us back then the passion to use our complementary skills where they were needed most - namely in developing countries.

But the choice to go or to stay seemed to be the choice between MY "ministry" in Denver (bridging the sacred/secular chasm) and ANGELA's dream of training to become a midwife, especially a missionary midwife. I so believed that Angela's path was to become a midwife, and in response to my long held belief that I was cut out to do international work, I was willing to do whatever it took to get us there. But Jim was one of the only people in our lives who supported this decision. Our other wise friends said we needed to stay because my influence was just beginning to bud and leaving now would be a drastic mistake; likewise, Xylem was poised to take off as an organization and Angela leaving it now might kill it.

To stay for me would have meant staying at Kaiser Permanente, either in my current job (which was far from stimulating, but provides all the flexibility and buying power I needed) or in a new job for which I had been waiting over a year and was about 95% sure I would get. There was also the outside chance that I would work for NavPress as Developmental Editor of a new line of books they were publishing. This job sounded fantastic, but my performance during the interview was mixed at best and I was far from certain that I was a real contender.

To stay for Angela meant continuing with Xylem, raising the kids, and most likely putting midwifery training off indefinitely. The possibility of her training in Denver was real, but actually pulling it off with Xylem and family responsibilities seemed unreal. And if I was to get the NavPress job, my absence from the family another 2 hours a day made midwifery training seem completely unrealistic.

Given my belief that God wanted Angela to become a midwife, I placed realizing her dream and training as my top priority - even if it meant placing everything else on hold for the next two-and-a-half years. And yet, we both still felt greatly conflicted about leaving and the director of the missionary midwifery school/clinic was being strangely incommunicado.

So, I called Jim and asked him if my priorities were in the right place. I believed my wife comes before everything else, including whatever I thought my "ministry" should be, but I was beginning to doubt. Jim said that I would never regret choosing Angela above everything else and he challenged anyone who loved his wife to say otherwise. After all, our marriage vows specifically state that we would forgo all others for each other. But, the dilemma was clear and he also pointed out that God wants us to walk by faith and not by sight. Right now, he said, you can't see anything. But the great thing is that there is not a bad choice among them - any of the three options would be good. But to choose which was the best path to take requires faith. He encouraged us to make a list of all the blessings God has given us and the good work he's done in and through us and then sit down together for an hour and thank him for it. He also told me to pray for courage.

I looked up the "walk by faith" scripture in 2 Corinthians 5 and here's the passage en toto:

Truly, a wonderful passage. And after fasting and praying for a day, I felt more at ease.

The end of the story is this: I received a call from Kent at NavPress less than a week after my interview and a full week before when he had told me he'd let me know. I thought he was going to put me out of my misery. What he did instead has me reeling still - he not only offered me a job at NavPress, but he wanted me to oversee BOTH new lines of books and so he wanted me to be a Senior Editor. He said that he wanted me to stay in Denver and NOT move to Colorado Springs because of the network I've already built, and so to help out with the commute I could work from home once a week in addition to holding flexible hours. When I told him that I was concerned about losing my "edge" if I came to work for a Christian institution, he agreed that was a concern of his too - and so to make sure I stay sharp, he expects me to not only continue to stay connected with the front lines in the inner city, but also to travel around to other communities to see what they are doing - all on The Navigator's nickel. I would have the title power, budget, and flexilibity to take what I've been doing on the side in Denver and raise it to an entirely new level.

I was astonished. "Are you kidding me?" I asked. "Did any of you actually read my blogs? Do you realize who you're offering this too?" Kent laughed and said that they did and yes they do - in fact, my blogs were a selling point. "Well then," I said, "I guess I'll have to clean up my language a little bit, or at least keep it from getting any worse."

Two days later, I interviewed for the new job at Kaiser and was reminded why I was willing to wait for so long for it. It was a sweet job - unique, complicated, and influential. But, in the end, I'd be in a tougher part of the corporate culture and it would STILL be a stepping stone job. Senior Editor, on the other hand, fits me very very well.

That night, I called Kent back and accepted the job. An hour later, Angela received an email from the director of the Philippine school requesting a second phone interview with us. Two days later, I was informed that I was one of the top two finalists for the Kaiser position and that they wanted a second interview with me that afternoon.

It wasn't difficult to turn down the Kaiser job, but crafting a letter to the Philippines was very difficult indeed. We both still very much wanted to go, especially Angela. She was very excited for me and agreed that she didn't see how I could turn down the NavPress job, but she was also grieving the loss of an amazing opportunity and the potential loss of training at all - something she had been planning to do for around 8 years. I too felt the loss because I had been planning to do a trip like the one to the Philippines for around 7 years.

But wonderful things are beginning to take shape. We have always wanted to share resources with other Christian families, realizing Andy Crouch's wonderful question, "How many T.V's does a church need to have? How many lawn mowers, kitchens, and cars?" In February, we are seriously considering moving with another family, good friends of ours Jeff and Brenda, into a house on West Colfax and Sheridan. Ideally, we will rent our townhouse to another family we are friends with who need a bigger, but affordable place on our side of town. Not only will we be sharing resources all around, but Angela will be strategically located between the birth center and her midwife friend and mentor - both of which are crucial to her training here. She will be able to share babysitting with Brenda who is also in school - combined with my being home an extra day per week, she will have the flexibility and support she needs to do her training. We will pay half what we do in our current mortgage, and the savings will pay for Angela's equipment and tuition. Xylem's continuation will be assured as Angela moves into a more directorial role, which will also free up her time and energy.

Finally, we have kept the doors open for the Philippines and are planning to make a trip over there the summer of 2008. I asked Kent what he thought of this and he said that he already has short term missions built into the NavPress culture and that he encourages his staff to take advantage of the opportunities provided by the international branch of The Navigators. How much time I can take will depend on what is going on then, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Walk by faith indeed. The past three months have been an incredible ride and it is clear that God is orchestrating events in the Seeling family. Last week was a nexus, one of those rare points in life where events that were set in motion at least 12 years ago, if not from birth, came together. For me, if I had not been rejected by 20 medical schools 12 years ago in order to go to, almost on a whim, attend one school of social work, I would not now be here. We'll see what happens from here...God willing, we'll keep walking by faith.